Dear Friends,

My beloved is not by nature a vindictive woman nor violent. However, like many conscious and contentious citizens of our American Republic, she and I are both repulsed and called to action by members of the Republican party, many candidates for state or federal office. We cannot deafen our ears to their insistence on such principles as a pregnancy born of rape is God’s gift and that a victim of rape should have just gotten over it and enjoyed that sparkling moment enthralled in the embrace of her attacker. Thus, we came up with a practical plan to re-educate the thugs who counsel such notions. It goes something like this.

First you lash the bastard to an old chair with the cane removed from the seat. Use twisted barbed wire as the constraint. Next gag the idiot with duct tape. This works best if the moron has a mustache (more on this in a moment). Get that big, rusty monkey wrench out of the tool chest and clamp his nose. Clinch it real tight and let it dangle from his ruddy proboscis. Next pull out the razor knife and slash to remove his trousers and shorts. Do this slowly and careful-like; we don’t want to damage our volunteer. Now, we need the vice grips. These are good for the head of the penis, the center of the candidate’s thinking. Wind the tension screw tight to choke off any immoral thoughts.

The groaning subject of this ethical instruction will then be allowed a period of relaxation as he watches my beloved macramé a tidy but capacious sack for his scrotal area. This will only take two or three hours as he weeps and shudders. Once the handcrafted appurtenance is ready, it will be filled with steamy, hot mud and tied securely around his unmentionables. Now, simply wait for the estimable pubic figure to swoon and faint before ripping off the duct tape along with his well groomed mustache and perhaps most of his lips. This will rouse the student from his revery. At this point, you inquire, “What it as good for you as it was for me?”

Presently, we’re not sure what to do with our earnest student. We’ve already violated every local, state and federal law, as well as every law of God and man. We can’t have him blowing the whistle on us, so we staple his tongue to what’s left of his lips and take away the whistle. We leave the door to the shack out in the woods open in hopes that raccoons or feral dogs will consume the soon to be corpse. Hope springs eternal.

Res Ipsa Loquitor,

SCS

Madness!?!

Dear Friends,

What is going on in my nation? Have we lost our minds? In the states of Ohio and Virginia, it has been resolved that women who wish for or require abortions must now submit to vaginal probes for ultrasound against their will. By federal law, this procedure is deemed to be rape. The conservatives reckon that’s okay ‘cuz the woman forced to be probed has already had her vagina probed by some other fellah and it don’t much matter that a doctor is sworn to first do no harm, such as poking a lady with a vibrating thing-a-ma-jig in a medically unnecessary procedure to provide her with “information” that she already knows, that she is pregnant, and may cause harm to her uterus.

Oh, then there is the movement to deny women of contraceptives under any circumstances, whether they be used for hormonal treatment of cancer or birth control. Rape is okay. Incest is just dandy. But, we must not let women take progesterone

Well, of course, the folks promoting this legislation don’t know how to spell progesterone and are not women. In fact, they barely even have testicles. They do have a series of wives in many cases, some abandoned as they lie in a hospital bed dying of cancer (hello, Newt), yet they are not permitted the medication that would prevent the birth of a half dozen kids who would not be cared for by the creep that left his wife (the first of two, so far, Newt) to die from a terminal illness.

Okay, okay… let me slow down here. I don’t want to lose you. Arizona’s legislature is now proposing to outlaw the word gay in public schools. Good idea. Our kids will no longer have to listen to that miserable song by that Jew bastard Bernstein as sung by the whore Natalie Wood in “West Side Story.” Even better, we can throw out all the books with the word “gay”. Less books is good, ain’t it Bubba! I suppose this will also eliminate the dictionary, or at least page 164 of the OED, if you idiots know what that is.

Then there’s the thing with no contraception, again. Wait a minute. More extra marital and unwanted pregnancies? More babies with no food nor safe home? So, they’s supposed to git knocked up by Dad or the boy down the alley in the trailer park, have a baby and go on the dole. Yeah. That’ll work. Serves them girls right for having vaginas. Otherwise G-d would not have made vaginas to splurt out babies for rich white guys to support with their hard earned dollars garnered from dispossessing poor folk of their homes and jobs whilst getting us into yet another war paid for by the future taxes of their newly born children who can’t find jobs.

Oh, did I mention the proposal in the Oregon State Legislature allowing teenagers to carry concealed weapons into their public schools? Yes, this great idea is seen as a deterrent to the now too frequent shoot-em-ups by the young’uns blasting away at their teachers and class mates. Just brilliant! Let’s make everybody safe by having the least socialized and least mature beasts of our kind armed when they go into their civics class. What sort of person would want the job of being a teacher knowing that if he hands out a D- grade on that essay about Ben Franklin, that he and a number of his students would end up in the morgue? I know! It would be Mr. Eldinkoomph, the weird guy that plays the organ at church on Sunday and treats his favorite students to soda and cake at his trailer after school.

Well, finally, we come to Rush Limbo. Poor guy. His best explanation of why he is not anti-women is that he was a judge at the Miss America Pageant. He got paid to watch a bunch of busty ladies in skimpy swim suits play the violin and testify that they were in favor of equality for all Humankind. Who is the whore? Of course, not he. He skidded off the dais to go on a sex tourism mission to find the embrace of a young transexual in an impoverished South American nation relentlessly seeking hard cash and exporting cocaine.

Now, let’s imagine an alternative world, not one full of punks bent on ruining the lives of their spouses, their less well off friends (if they have any friends), and having secret thrills with boys with boobs while smashed on Oxys and coke. A guy that looks and talks like Morgan Freeman is President of the Galactic Federation. A fellow with a weird name from a place in what used to be called the Bronx in a nation that once prospered and was called The United States of America; his name is Neil deGrasse Tyson, and he is The Minister of Science and Universal Understanding. Women are respected in all meaningful ways. They are not on pedestals nor subjugated. Men know their place and their obligations as the ones that can open jars and can change the kid’s diapers. They might even learn to cook something more than salami and scrambled eggs.

Yeah. Maybe, someday pigs will fly, and we won’t have to put up with annoyances like Limbaugh. Someday, perhaps, people will be free to love who they love. We might no longer fight stupid wars over oil and water. Our civilization, so called, might be nourished by the rain of photons pouring over us from our Mother Sun. We can all get fed. We shall look to the stars as destinations, not mere glimmers in the arch of heaven. Let’s go. Let’s go. Get on with it!

Res Ipsa Loquitor,

S