Dear Friends,

My assistant, that rancid and untrustworthy bastard snuck into my lab after hours. He mixed up my chemicals. Come swiftly, now, with the antidote, Nurse Ratchid!

Res Ipsa Loquitor,

S

And yet again…

Dear Friends,

They came again to my fevered dreams. Strange but familiar.

Hic Finis Est

S

As to the February 23rd Republican blabberfest, er, primary debate… to a man, those pompous idiots seemed deeply insecure in their own masculinity, afraid of women, black and brown people of either sex, and cowards in the face of love. It's difficult for me to figure out which was the most odious of the sordid lot.

Whatever. If Santorum does get the nomination, I'm looking forward to Obama finally becoming fed up with the ghastly tactics of his Republican rivals. He finally does the angry black dude-thing and just punches the runt in the snoot during a live TV debate. It'll be like that scene where Eddy Haskell finally pushes Beaver Cleaver a tad to far and winds up with a bloody nose. The President will then loom over the little creep, fists clenched, and shouts down like Moses from on top of the mountain, "Hey, punk! I am the President of these United States. When I stand, everybody stands in my presence. Get your skinny ass off the floor!!!"

Itty-bitty Ricky then crawls with what alacrity his jellified limbs can summon. He is sobbing, snot and tears and shame running down his squirrel-like and busted mug as he scrambles, weeping, off to the wings of the stage where he wails for G-d in High Heaven to rescue him from the Black Demon sent on the Black Throated Wind swirling out of ancient nights in the Arabian desert. No help is forthcoming. Off camera the audience can hear the merciless pounding of our President's heels upon the punk's neck and wretched cries for mercy for the doomed. Then there is silence.

The President returns to his podium. He straightens his tie. There is the merest blemish of sweat glinting upon his brow. He smiles broadly and addresses a grateful nation. He asks, quite calmly: "Do you have any questions?"

Res Ipsa Loquitur,

S

Romney's Golden Nose

Dear Friends,

More news on the tragic hair gel poisoning of Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. This follows his recovery from the emergency nosectomy and full body depilation. The following report was filed by Normand Pudvacker of the AP just this afternoon.

Kludge Ergo Foo,

S

From Columbia, South Carolina

Former Governor Mitt Romney was last evening near death, bald over his entire body and without a nose was immersed in a bathtub full of ice and Nair® . As doctors struggled to save him, a Jewish Rabbi was summoned to Columbia’s Our Lady of Blind Hope Hospital from Ox Pit South Carolina, some one-hundred and twelve miles away, to deliver last rights. Rabbi Edelmensch was the closest thing that the hospital administration could find for a Mormon minister. The kindly nuns administering to Mr. Romney’s care provided the Rabbi with some hastily scribbled words for the departed. As the candidate was heavily sedated, he never knew the difference.

Amazingly, at four-thirty this morning, Romney rallied and regained consciousness with surprising vigor. Dr. Professor Yogi Vinnie Bum Raisin, the candidate’s political and personal care assistant was instantly summoned from the campaign’s rented penthouse headquarters and promptly put down his hookah to make his way to the hospital. (See sidebar story: Mysterious Fire at Romney Headquarters Probed.)

By cell phone while in transit to Blind Hope, the Dr. Professor was informed of his client’s noseless and hairless condition. Given the hour he knew there was no opportunity to acquire a toupee for former Governor Romney, but the campaign’s tour stretch limo provided a fine swatch of lush, black shag carpeting. Deftly removing a one foot portion with the switchblade that Rum Raisin reliably kept in his left boot, a fairly suitable rug was fashioned for Romney’s now smooth and shiny pate. The Piggly Wiggly up the street from the hospital was open, and luckily had penny nails on sale, as well as a serviceable, if not ideal, rubber mallet from the automotive section.

Now, with only hours to spare before a previously scheduled press conference, the media ablaze with rumors of Romney’s condition and potential need to drop out of the race, a new nose was required. Rum Raisin made a few calls to medical colleagues, both on the eastern seaboard of the USA, and as far away as Pyongyang, North Korea. No suitable transplant donor could be found. His final call was to Mr. Sikh's Custom Jewelry Shoppe on Magnolia Terrace. The proprietor was a longtime associate of Rum Raisin and could be entrusted to provide a splendid nose of gold on an emergency basis, and he would keep his yap shut about who came up with the cash for it. Thus it was swiftly back to the Piggly Wiggly to fetch a bungee cord to affix the new nose to the presidential hopeful’s puss.

Everything seemed to be coming together very smoothly for the campaign by 4PM today. The candidate was reinvigorated in overcoming the tragedy of addiction to hair gel. As Rum Raisin offered to slather a handful of Redken® Certified Hypoallergenic and Non Addictive Smoothing Mousse upon the shag about to be hammered on to Romney’s skull, he declined and stated that his aides should simply hammer away.  Bellowed Romney, “My hair gel days are over! Today I have a new life and a fine, fine new nose!!!” With that, the head nailing done, the golden nose was bungeed to Mitt’s head and, after a few adjustments to get the thing on straight and right side up, the exuberant presidential contender expressed his thanks to all the good folks at Blind Hope Hospital and to his own staff. He will appear to the public via television, radio and Facebook® at 8PM EDT, this evening.

Reported by Normand Pudvacker of the AP; 1/19/12

President Colbert?

Dear Friends,

This last Thursday, satirist and comedian Stephen Colbert announced his campaign for the fictional post of President of South Carolina. A day or so later he released his first attack ad against Mitt Romney, funded by a SuperPAC now headed by Comedy Central colleague Jon Stewart. It declared Mitt a serial killer. Today, Colbert is presently atop Huntsmen in the polls and neck and neck with Gingrich and Santorum in the race for Republican Presidential nominee. That is a position that Colbert is not actually running for.

Think about what this indicates regarding the crisis in American public education. South Carolinians are not, as has often been alleged, natively stupid. They just don’t seem to know that their state has no office of President. Neither have they been informed in civics class that they are liable to being pranked by an obvious clown. Yet, they will confide to a total stranger that they strongly support a brilliant goofball in his non-existent run for the White House, and if successful in his ill-understood quest, they will reward him with nuclear weapons and the grandest military that this planet has yet seen. Real comedy is not funny.

I am astonished, smiling, but a bit tearful for the state of this nation.

Kludge Ergo Foo,

S