Showing posts with label TV News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TV News. Show all posts

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Dick Cheney on Gun Safety & Regulation!?!



Dear Friends,

Now, let me get this straight. Dick Cheney is today the commentator on Faux News discussing issues of gun safety and the regulation of fire arms in our nation.

Okay, here we got a guy who got so blind drunk that he fumbled on the #1 rule of fire arms safety: one never points a shot gun at the face of anybody whose head you don’t mean to splatter. Cheney did just that and he fired. He almost killed the guy, one of his best hunting buddies and an old friend. Fortunately, Cheney’s hunting partner was only disfigured for life. No charges were pressed against the Vice President as his pal apologized publicly for getting in the way of a muzzle two feet in front of his shit-for-brains skull as an intoxicated man within a heart beat of having his own atom bombs flipped off the safety and pulled the trigger to blast away.

No big deal. Things were settled in an amiable, gentlemanly manner. Perhaps some money had to change hands, but we will never know. Of course, at the time of the near fatal shooting Cheney had already hijacked the Presidential administration of a half-witted fellow draft dodger to start two pointless and doomed wars and set the stage for WW3 with North Korea, South Korea, Israel, Iran, Russia, Turkey, Syria, China, my nation and all the NATO powers in that game. Nice piece of work and a tad more tricky than just blasting your friend in the face at point blank range with bird shot. That was small beans and of no lasting consequence.

Anyhow, Dick then retired from government work to pluck the heart from a dead man and have it plugged into his own rancid plumbing to resume his earnest efforts in defense of lunatics with terrifying weapons of mass murder and his inane, drug induced ramblings about the threats to our citizens’ safety perpetrated by neighbors with weapons of mass destruction that require us to own more weapons of mass destruction so we can be safe from lunatics possessing weapons of mass murder.

This all makes total sense. Well, if you buy the illogic of Faux News, it makes sense. Um, can we get the government provided heart of the dead guy back? We’d also like to be reimbursed on the federally provided surgery that saved your mendacious, cold gutted and shambling, undead corpse from the grave. Thank you, Former Vice President, Dick Cheney.

Well, it's often tough to look at the fat in the fryer, to see how it boils down to the gristle and grit. Somethings can seem complex when they are actually simple, I fear. We have to talk plainly and reasonably to our friends and neighbors, but pull no punches. What's going on in our nation would horrify our founders and most sensible folks today.

Res Ipsa Loquitor,

SCS

Sunday, January 15, 2012

President Colbert?

Dear Friends,

This last Thursday, satirist and comedian Stephen Colbert announced his campaign for the fictional post of President of South Carolina. A day or so later he released his first attack ad against Mitt Romney, funded by a SuperPAC now headed by Comedy Central colleague Jon Stewart. It declared Mitt a serial killer. Today, Colbert is presently atop Huntsmen in the polls and neck and neck with Gingrich and Santorum in the race for Republican Presidential nominee. That is a position that Colbert is not actually running for.

Think about what this indicates regarding the crisis in American public education. South Carolinians are not, as has often been alleged, natively stupid. They just don’t seem to know that their state has no office of President. Neither have they been informed in civics class that they are liable to being pranked by an obvious clown. Yet, they will confide to a total stranger that they strongly support a brilliant goofball in his non-existent run for the White House, and if successful in his ill-understood quest, they will reward him with nuclear weapons and the grandest military that this planet has yet seen. Real comedy is not funny.

I am astonished, smiling, but a bit tearful for the state of this nation.

Kludge Ergo Foo,

S


Sunday, August 28, 2011

Is the World Still Turning?

Dear Friends,

I'm feeling pretty cranky. This whole Hurricane Irene-thing has been an irritating disappointment. I was promised Armageddon by the "Storm Center" folks across the wide span of cable, Internet and broadcast bandwidth. What we got was drizzle and a shit-rain of blab from cooky politicians making hay by frightening the folks that they work for. The pols promised an apocalypse but failed to deliver more than soggy sneakers.

In my hometown in western Massachusetts, the stores were closed on this Sunday afternoon. The methadone clinics were shuttered. Churches were closed. The streets were deserted. I could not even get a bagel with a shmeer at the local deli. Such a horror can only be measured from the perspective of a New Yorker seeking solace in the silence of the lonely, non-flooded subway tunnels below Manhattan, as he waits for a ride that shall not come by.

The horror. The horror.

On the bright side, insurance rates rose in anticipation of the deluge. The casualty rate from the past two day's inconvenience was only .05% of the number of folks killed in auto accidents on American roads in the same interval. More folks got killed by accidental gun-shots than died in the past two days of non-weather horror. Yes. Look on the bright side! Yes!!! Stay tuned to your local weather. Stay tuned for the commercials from Mannie's Applicances. You may have a chance on a bargain for a new fridge… if you dare to go outside.

Res Ipsa Loquitur,

S