Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Thot Plickens

Compiled and Edited by Steven Solomon © 1992

When we most recently encountered the Doktor at his home in Florida in 1991, the elderly gentlemen bore a ragged scar across his throat and a teflon tube inserted therein, niether well-concealed by his paisley ascot. To speak, he placed a finger across the open wound. With a rasping whisper, his only words to our representatives were: "Go away, or you'll be talking to my fucking lawyers." He then slammed the door and could be heard shuffling back into the silent darkness of his anonymous retirement.

In the Autumn of 1954, however, both Saurian and Doktor D. remained blissfully ignorant of the falling out that would eventually cloud their historic relationship. Whatever the Professor's enhanced mental abilities might have been, precognition was not yet in his repertoire. His correspondence with the Doktor resumes as follows.

Dear Doktor,

How profoundly amazing it is, the changes our lives and minds may undergo in so brief a span of time. I have found a new and crucial piece of the Great Puzzle. It is one that I had not even suspected to exist, but now understand to be central to my Quest to create the Ultimate Human Brain.

As I begin my newly re-energized research, two things are very clear. First, getting the General's shlong hard is hardly an important avenue of inquiry. Secondly, that very project (and it is a big project, gonna take lots of money, plenty of time, I'll need to travel lots and collect many specimens), will provide cover for my True Aims.

With this in mind, I approached Stroessner with a plan to survey the planet for useful botanical and animal specimens. Horney and dim-witted, he was amenable to my proposal.

Thus, following our mutual, psychenautical guide star, and pursuing those tantalizing reports regarding the Philippino shamans, I plan a great journey. Soon, I shall venture to the rain forest of the Philippines. There my Quest for Vegetable Intelligence will resume in earnest. As I write, I am awaiting confirmation of my itinerary. My bags are packed and I require only the properly forged papers and the bribe money required to gain my visa.

Ho-ho, today, I stand once again at the cross-road to a new direction for my life, and perhaps for all Humanity. I am very excited! Perhaps you might join me for a trip to the Pacific? I'm looking for a new assistant, you know.

Yours in Exaltation and Reverence before the Truth,

Anton Saurian

Having secured the necessary funds and papers required to venture abroad to the Philippines, Saurian set off by freighter on October 4, missing the Doktor's response by several days. The good Doktor did not, in any case, accept Saurian's generous offer. As of the time of the following letter, Doktor D. was deeply involved in a controversial effort to revive the ancient cult of the Eleusian Mystery Rites. These activities would eventually lead to the his arrest on charges of drug dealing and animal sacrifice, and the subsequent loss of his license to practice medicine. After a lengthy and highly public legal battle, and some three years of incarceration, this noble man's reputation and means of livelihood would never be fully restored to him.

What follows is among the most facinating, tantalizing and enigmatic of Saurian's letters to Doktor D. sent from the rain-forest.


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